Ayumi Hamasaki Sekai

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-   -   TA Message 234 (http://www.ahsforum.com/forum/showthread.php?t=76088)

Coelacanth 28th June 2008 05:44 AM

TA Message 234
 
Tearjerker!!!

Translation by Delirium-Zer0 @ ayu-mi-x.com

Quote:

I am...
No. 234 28 June 2008 (Sat) 2:20 AM


...a girl who keeps her promises! (`_')vBEEP!


Yep, I make such judgment because I have come to talk about Countdown Live, following through with the declaration in my last entry.

But that said, considering what I'm going to write, I'm not sure how or to what extent I should convey my thoughts. I'm having trouble with that.

So because I'm having issues there, I'm just gonna convey this to all you who I wish to see in Yoyogi, with the plain & clear feelings that I have, sticking to the honest feelings I have in my own heart.



Alright.
I hesitated on this. And even now I'm hesitating.
However, I'm going to say what I feel.

After my birthday, in the fall of last year, I was busy working on the album.
During that time, I stayed in LA for quite awhile, so I could do my photoshoots & recording sessions.
News of Aneki's* death had come from my mother, only immediately reaching Bancho**, Ohji***, and my closest staff members, it seemed.
But everyone had discussed it, and they decided that telling me this would make it too hard for me to work, and they said I shouldn't know until I returned to Japan.

I didn't know what was going on, so in a very happy-go-lucky & easygoing way, I said, "Hmm, how come I'm not getting any e-mails?"

They revealed the truth, and I found it to be extremely bitter.

So I finished all my work and came back home that very day. When I got to my house, Mommy was there.
Since we're not living together (in case you were wondering), she didn't say "okaeri", but her eyes were filled to the brim with tears as she started to say, "Ayu, Aneki has gone to Heaven."

I rushed out of the house, on my own. I got into a taxi, and very purposefully I went to Aneki's house.
I hadn't been able to comprehend everything until I saw that the power was off.

Then, I saw Aneki's ashes.
I don't know how long, but I was silent, remaining crouched down.
It really took a considerable amount of time before I was able to cope with the reality of all of it.

Having these kinds of feelings, the end of the year was a blur for me.

With a feeling of nothingness, I went through a number of events, and I ended up building a bigger & bigger wall around me.

That was how Countdown Live was.
The show Aneki was looking forward to.

After the show on the 31st finished, my heart was ruled by huge anxiety, something I haven't felt since then until now.

That's... wow, how to explain it...
I can't aptly explain it with words, but...



Even when I thought to myself, "I have to be able to make it somehow!!!", I, who should have been determined to keep running, was extremely depressed anyway.


Naturally, with everyone who came to the venue and even with everyone who just watched on TV, I had the best & most amazing time on the 30th and 31st, and, this is an absolute fact, I was really happy.


However, I gave myself away, so I think many of you were probably able to understand.


No, absolutely, I think you all understood.



So during those two days, there was the issue with my left ear not working, and it scared me. At the same time, I thought to myself, I am a vocalist, but again, I'm also a human being, and I need to be able to lead this team. I thought I couldn't play both roles.


In a performance, singing the songs is the most important thing. As such, the most basic and most fundamental #1 thing wasn't really there.
If I said anything as I was right then, I had no persuasive power. Moreover, this thing with Aneki influenced me to the point where even my judgement had been considerably shaky.

One song, and then another... whenever I go to sing, my hearing condition continues to get worse, and my mood is nothing but impatient.

When I think like that, I can't sing. I can't be heard...

Without hitting on the problem, I was always getting angry and getting sad, feeling chagrin, but even in my head it was a jumble.


Anyway... even if you just watch the DVD, since there was alot of crying during the show, so you can probably understand.



One way or another New Year's Day arrived, thanks to the love of all the guests there, and the many wonderful staff & band members and dancers, but I was still always thinking.

Can I never sing again like I used to?
Would that concert become my last?




For a very very long time, I was thinking so many, SOOO MANY different things like this.



Thinking about it & thinking about it & thinking about it some more, I struggled to arrive at one solution.
And then, the answer came



Keep on singing.



Just that.
From the day I decided that, I made a vow never again to complain or make any excuses.



And, as one of my ambitions for this year, I have been coming here to write, telling everyone my feelings.

Do you remember when that was said?



So during this year's long tour, I've been able to do absolutely everything.
Every day, every single day was filled up, and I was busy both mentally and physically.
But absolutely, I wasn't defeated. I couldn't be defeated.
Because I made a promise to everyone.


Once again, like I have in the past -- no, like I will from now on -- I've become strong enough to really stand on that grand stage. I've been thinking that during rehearsals for many months now.



Since then I've realized how quickly time is passing. It's surprising to think that tomorrow is already Yoyogi.



Lots of things happened during the tour....
I didn't think of these circumstances as challenging, though.
Because, even with all that stuff happening,
I know that you all understand, everyone.



It might be reckless to say, but even when feeling desperate inside, the time spent with everyone during this tour was truly the best time. My memories of those days shine more & more, quickly & strongly, and I become a better person for it.



I feel the importance of my 10th anniversary acutely throughout my whole self.



I began the tour at Yoyogi.
I clearly remember every exchange between my heart & everyone else's since that day.
Everyone's smiling faces, tear-stained faces, perplexed faces, I love aaaallll of them.




Everyone's feelings are always transmitted to me.




I am very fortunate.



I thought, if I had to lose my left ear, it's alright that I'll keep trying with only my right ear.
But that's not quite right.



I haven't lost anything.


Because everyone has offered to become my left ear.



So my ears are stronger now.

That having been said, although I was smiling about this, and those were beautiful thoughts, this writer has become useless.
The screen is getting blurry, so that's no good.




But I'll hold these tears back until the last day.



The tour continues into the Fall, but for right now, the domestic part of the tour ends with the 2 days in Yoyogi........





I look forward to some serious fighting spirit!!!!!
Let's make it the best two days ever,
Yoyogi-----------------!!!!!



While saying that, I was secretly feeling very anxious.



Thank you for reading this until the very end.




Aneki, please always watch over me!!!!!
Credit: http://ayu-mi-x.com/modules.php?name...iewtopic&t=829

Milox 28th June 2008 05:51 AM

aw :(

luna7996 28th June 2008 05:58 AM

It's so sad.It almost made me cry.We will always be with you Ayu.

AyuGAME 28th June 2008 06:03 AM

thank you ayu...
thank you...
you really inspiring person...
thank you for keep on singing
thank you...

maybe its the longest message, that she ever write...(from what i know...)
my heart feel so sad while read it
but its really give me motivation to go on...

thank you ayu...
arigatou...

makie_7 28th June 2008 06:04 AM

thanks a lot for the news, wow Ayu is so strong! I wish her the best!

tethevo 28th June 2008 06:09 AM

Translation was crap but that's the jist of it.

These two last dates will be meaningful.

miskiq 28th June 2008 06:11 AM

thanks
she is such a courageous and strong woman
so sad when reading her msg :(

terra 28th June 2008 06:15 AM

Poor Ayu...but I know she'll rise again, because she is strong!!!

ayuzlove 28th June 2008 06:17 AM

thanks for the msg...her words brought tears to my eyes...

hiroshi_ben 28th June 2008 06:33 AM

i can feel that shes hiding a lot of things...but at the same time,shes strong enough that shes going one step by one step...and not thinking too much about whats going to happen next and only focus on wats goin to happen tml..ayu pls continue to stay strong!

tokyoxjapanxfan 28th June 2008 06:33 AM

thank you for that :) i really liked this message because it was very telling of ayu's life...she does do a whoooole lot :-\

evolusean 28th June 2008 06:34 AM

Hm.

Good message.

I'm glad she was able to take the horrible past year and turn this year--her 10th anniversary year, no less--into something positive.

♥ you! 28th June 2008 06:35 AM

I remember hearing a rumour that her mom died...I guess this just proves it wrong.

Anyways I was a bit sad reading that msg but seeing how strong Ayu is made me feel sorta good. I'm happy for her :)

zoomzoom 28th June 2008 06:45 AM

Whoa, what a personal message this time.

se7entheaven 28th June 2008 06:51 AM

she's, like.. the greatest sinnger I've ever known U_U

I love ayu so much ^^ Keep Fighting ayu !!!

so no news about her new single
or maybe she wanna give us a surprise, maybe not,,,,

majrakun 28th June 2008 06:58 AM

That took me quite awhile to finish. Wow. I love that message. Ayu. If only you could see the support over here! Ganbatte, Ayu!

LacusClyne 28th June 2008 07:03 AM

no wonder her mood seem so down during CDL....i'm glad that ayu is stronger now, i was cryin when i read this, it's bad coming back and knowing you friend pass away when you aren't there.....

sibby 28th June 2008 07:18 AM

YES WE WILL BE YOUR LEFT EAR

AYU GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~~~~~~~~~

lfe. 28th June 2008 07:18 AM

That was really deep, sad and beautiful at the same time

Aga-chan 28th June 2008 07:20 AM

That was a very beautiful message.

Thanks for sharing.

thangkhung91 28th June 2008 07:24 AM

wow... she is a very strong woman indeed :)

Ayu'Kiss 28th June 2008 07:27 AM

Ayu's the best!
she's always so strong.
such a great inspiration

wenren93 28th June 2008 07:29 AM

T__T abit sad..
BUT
AYU ! u can make it ! u've already proven urself to us that u can do it ! continue to ganbatte and stay healthy ! :)
WE, ALL THE AHS fans will support you all the way mentally and physically ! :)

all the best ayu chan !~

Ani_C 28th June 2008 07:35 AM

So touching. All of this being said, I'm looking forward to some good material AYU! :D

njanjayrp 28th June 2008 07:45 AM

t.t that was pretty sad :(

Ayumiko 28th June 2008 07:49 AM

that was so sad...:( too many things happened last year. Thank you ayu for putting on such a awesome cdl show despite of all the stuff happened to you at that time. cdl 07-08 is my fav cdl out of all the previous ones. GANBATTE!

WillofDusk 28th June 2008 07:58 AM

That's so sad
thanks for sharing

Rebirthia 28th June 2008 08:01 AM

Ayu is a strong human being, with anxieties like everybody else...

This message reminds me of the concept of BIG FISH, by Tim Burton. Once you are not afraid of death anymore, like the protagonist in BIG FISH, Edward Bloom, who sees at the beginning of the film how he is going to die, you become stronger and stronger, you are not afraid of anything, and you do everything you want, because you know when and how you will die, and while you do not experience what you saw in that vision, you keep living, no matter what, even if you make very very risky things...

Ayu is conscious that one day she may lose her hearing. However, that time has not come yet, and she keeps fighting everyday to offer her best, to share the best of her.

And of course, we should not forget the power of her fans, she is really lucky to have that, not everybody has that kind of support in hard times.

BoBo 28th June 2008 08:06 AM

i can just bow here :) That's the spirit! Keep it on ;)

marekcarey 28th June 2008 08:10 AM

aww poor ayu. i know how it feels when u lost a dear person:(

azntennisbuff 28th June 2008 08:14 AM

Wow, such a long message. It was so sad, yet so inspiring. Its posts like these that remind me why I became such a huge fan of hers.

Echiko 28th June 2008 08:17 AM

Does anyone know who is aneki? o.o

But what a wonderful honest msg. Amazing singer and human being she is.

zoomzoom 28th June 2008 08:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Echiko (Post 1522058)
Does anyone know who is aneki? o.o

But what a wonderful honest msg. Amazing singer and human being she is.

Click the ayumix link and you'll see explanations. Aneki is a word for sister or best female friend it says.

Hanabi_surreal 28th June 2008 08:29 AM

Woooow... how I love her!!!!

I really love when the big stars shows that kind of image (how can I say it...?) yes, when she show her pure feelings teling us that she's a human after all...
she's so brave and am so proud of her every day, because she is a strong woman who loves all the things that she make!

I LOVE YOU AYU!!!

jon_the_d 28th June 2008 08:35 AM

She's amazing.
Love her more than ever!!!

Go AYU!!!

Deneb 28th June 2008 09:16 AM

thanks for sharing

Amai Yume 28th June 2008 09:18 AM

oh wow, Ayu really is an inspiration
Felt kinda teary reading that...
"From the day I decided that, I made a vow never again to complain or make any excuses." - that really stuck out to me

zeroshin888 28th June 2008 09:36 AM

i can feel how frustrated it must be for her that her left ear isn't working and that she won't be able to sing like she used to. she's one strong woman. she's accepting the fact that her vocals are going downhill and she's happy around the people she's with. she's absolutely inspiring.

tenshi no hane 28th June 2008 09:42 AM

thanks for sharing, she's such a strong person.

Yoake 28th June 2008 10:02 AM

Ayu is very THE BEST. She is strong and sensitive. I think we isn't her fans but her friends because she open us her heart. Thanks Ayu. We are with you forever. We will follow you everywhere because we love you truly.

thanks for translation^^

majrakun 28th June 2008 10:38 AM

Reading tis makes me feel like reliving that team message A WORLD thing, you know, to show our support GO AYU T____T

~ayu-cake~ 28th June 2008 11:04 AM

That was a really heartbreaking message to read :(
It's extremely hard to lose people close to you.

MissElin_ 28th June 2008 11:05 AM

...
wow
...
Im speechless!
That was a reaaaally strong message. And Im so happy that she shared it with us! Thank you Ayu. Youre such a beautiful person, in mind and reality.

"Naturally, with everyone who came to the venue and even with everyone who just watched on TV, I had the best & most amazing time on the 30th and 31st, and, this is an absolute fact, I was really happy."
Im also very glad that I could be with you during the CDL and cheer you on!! I will never forgett this.

Thank you and we all will always cheer you on!

Aggar 28th June 2008 11:13 AM

~ ~ Ganbatte Ayu ~ ~
Ayu is so strong. She is real singer. No, she is wonderful person. I love you , Ayu.

KuroixShiroi_Namida 28th June 2008 11:16 AM

I wasn't exptecting this kinda of message lol.


Anyways, i was moved reading this. Keep strong x.x

Moonstar 28th June 2008 11:17 AM

Ayu.....
shinpai shinaide!!!Zutto soba ni iru kara!!!

alternarist 28th June 2008 11:26 AM

i think it took ayu a lot of courage to write something to honest as if nothing happened. I am touched. really.

ayumisrael 28th June 2008 11:28 AM

Awww =\.

My girl's strong, that's my girl!!!
She will always get the best fans ever ^_^.

I wish ayu good luck with the yoyogi last dates (today and tomorrow) and in China and Taiwan!

Neo Daydream 28th June 2008 11:38 AM

awwwwwwwwww!! ^^ i wanted to cry just reading it ^^
ganbatte, Ayu! I will be there to support you tomorrow!!! ^^

Qt Mashi 28th June 2008 11:55 AM

so that was what Ayu wanted to tell us!

that was relli nice!!!

thanks so much for the translation!

truehappiness 28th June 2008 12:28 PM

Seems like this explains everything. The tears, appearance of not wanting to be on stage..

I think as a performer, Ayu has risen to the occasion countless times under extreme odds. She should really be recognized for being so strong... :[

Qt Mashi 28th June 2008 12:34 PM

i hope someone can ebglish sub the backstage of this CDL.

i still wonder how her friend died though.

Kazeyomi 28th June 2008 12:49 PM

It'a touching message, that make me very sad maybe I'll cry (I tend to keep these feeling inside me >_<')
But at the same time I'm so happy of her strengh. We are all for you Ayu! We are your left ears!
GANBATTE!

TITANIC 28th June 2008 12:59 PM

huhu. this message is so sad.... you have done the best for us ayu

maaya 28th June 2008 01:07 PM

thank you for sharing. Ayu is so strong!! Ganbatte!!!!

jiarongisme 28th June 2008 01:10 PM

ayu is one brave woman and we should be happy for her. :)

Thanks for posting!

yoshino 28th June 2008 01:26 PM

Oh my.. that is one long and sad msg I have read from Ayu!!

Thanks for saying "Keep on singing", Ayu!

We will definitely be ur left ear and support u forever! We shall be strong together! =D

Isthan 28th June 2008 01:26 PM

It's so inspiring... she has so much pressure on her, everyone's expecting a lot form her... but she's so strong. I'm glad she wrote it, it's always important to be honest and sincere with yourself and your feelings, only then you can truly move on...

AyuHamasaki01 28th June 2008 01:33 PM

It's so sad and so deep.
But we will always support Ayu no matter what.

Larisa-chan 28th June 2008 02:31 PM

Wow... what a deep and beautiful message. Even though it's full of sadness, I loved reading it. I love when Ayu writes serious entries like this.

Lanz16 28th June 2008 02:40 PM

Awwww... she made a tears in my eyes.
That was her longest message she typed for us.

I know now who is the person she mentioned on the GUILTY album.


Thanks for sharing. :)

freedreamer 28th June 2008 02:52 PM

im very touched...
its a really awesome message...

I knew I felt something was not quite right during CDL0708...Ayu was holding back a lot of...i dunno how to explain but it was my gut feeling...And i guess, she also know that some people realized...

so sad for her...BUT OUR AYU IS STRONG!!!..And i admire her even more now

MissElin_ 28th June 2008 02:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Qt Mashi (Post 1522275)
i hope someone can ebglish sub the backstage of this CDL.

Im hoping for that too, it would be very interesting to hear what they says in that.

Lyra-Shini-Gami 28th June 2008 03:00 PM

she is so strong ...

fuawas 28th June 2008 03:10 PM

i admire her a lot...
she deserves all the best!

Zeke. 28th June 2008 03:12 PM

Wow, this was a really great post from Ayu! I almost started crying and had I just not woken up and my parents be in the room I would have let the tears flow, ha ha. I am so very proud of Ayu and I always knew that she loved us so much; I completely got that from her when she sang to me at the concert!

I think this message explains a lot about the GUILTY album. It's a great album, but somehow it seems there isn't a lot of emotion in it. Kind of like a numbing emotion, like how she said she pushed on without really knowing how to feel.

minna 28th June 2008 03:48 PM

I feel sad now
her message is sad but at the same time...inspiring because she's so strong
she proved us that she was human

she had a really big year, and she remained so strong
even if she was depressed at a certain time

what can I say more than that, except that..

I am so proud of being her fan and supporting her everyday
it took her a lot of courage, I think, to tell us this, to show us her real feelings
to tell us how she was feeling and what has been going on in the past months

she's inspiring and I'm proud to be her fan

Ayu, I'll be a part of your left ear forever
and thank you for being so honest with your fans

sexysaucestar 28th June 2008 04:21 PM

It's a sad yet hopeful message, always how Ayu is. I'm glad she's finally able to talk about her friend's death publicly. It has been over six months, and even though nobody really full "gets over" a death of a loved one, I'm sure Ayu has healed a little since then.

Lanz16 28th June 2008 04:40 PM

I've read the message again and then I realize how Ayu was so devastated to this personal trageddy she have experienced.
I know its very hard for her to recover into it but I know, wounds will heal when time pass-by.

And its very inspiring that her fans was her "new left ear" which is very heart-warming message for me as a fan.

icy_iven 28th June 2008 04:43 PM

who is aneki?

Lanz16 28th June 2008 04:47 PM

^ Aneki is "Big Sis" or "best friend" in Japanese(I think).
Its either Ayu's bestfriend or closest friend.

~Haya 28th June 2008 04:50 PM

So beautiful and sad message. I love you, Ayu!
Mm. I'm going to read that message again.

KaoriNeko 28th June 2008 05:04 PM

I never would've imagined her writing something so personal, but I'm glad she did this message, that way her fans can understand that she struggles like anyone else. She's such an inspiration. :cry

~Amy~ 28th June 2008 05:20 PM

Wow... that was a very nice message eventhough it was sad, I'm glad Ayu remains to stay strong. ^_^

ayuholic 28th June 2008 05:33 PM

I almost cried while reading that.
I love you, Ayu!

truehappiness 28th June 2008 05:33 PM

I think it's really quite admirable how Ayu can still go on doing a concert and stuff when in this state of mind..

I mean, can you imagine being told that one of your best friends died... and then having to be videotaped for a DVD documentary / concert.. I really cannot imagine how she coped with it during that time..

criminal 28th June 2008 06:00 PM

I think it's good that Ayumi let all of those feelings come a little bit out. There's never any use in keeping these big things to yourself when there are people worrying about you.

Again, I'm just really amazed by her willpower and her determination. She has so much of those two qualities, it's just unbelievable. There's nothing that can stop Hamasaki Ayumi, it seems.

ayu-fan 28th June 2008 06:02 PM

that's really a inspiring message!! ayu is really a strong person. I don't think i can handle those problems if i was ayu. i'm proud of being ayu's fan. i'll always support you ayu!!!!!

prussian blue 28th June 2008 06:06 PM

this is so sad, but thx god she's positve thinking about that

i'm glad to hear that she's so postive minded now

go ayu! go for the yoyogi performance!

Jeremy911 28th June 2008 06:07 PM

That was a really sad message... Ive never known any celebrity to open up to her fans like Ayu just did. I believe her Aneki is Natsuki, and obviously untitled ~for her~ was written just for her. Im still kinda confused about her left ear though. She said her hearing has gotten better since she first found out about it.

Does that mean some of her hearing has returned to that ear?

kirei_ayumi 28th June 2008 07:11 PM

thanks for sharing. ayu has such amazing strength that anything it possible when it comes to her

~*Mabushii*~ 28th June 2008 07:38 PM

Ayu.. you made me cry *snuggles*

Jwiz 28th June 2008 08:14 PM

I just wanted to keep on reading and reading, to know more about ayu's inner feelings. Thanks for sharing.

tehxiinae 28th June 2008 08:50 PM

awwww.....it's so....awwww....

I'll always be one of Ayu's many left ears, until the end :)

Ryuuzaki 28th June 2008 09:09 PM

this is a very sad message from ayu :weep

crea_spain 28th June 2008 09:26 PM

So touching, Ayu is a great singer, the best, even a better person, she's very strong and has this positive feeling, she's so special to me and for that i wish see her some day in concert to give back all my soul... we will be her left ear forever, we will be with u forever and we will love u always !!

Wish her ALL THE BEST, she deserves ALL THE BEST in this World always.

With AYU until the end of time !!

Thanks for being so HUMAN, you're the ONE...

Queen Bee 28th June 2008 10:58 PM

WOW....that was a very serious and sad post from Ayu. I could feel the tears building up in my eyes as I read her message. I know now more than ever that I am very VERY proud to call myself her fan. She has been such an inspiration to me. I will be your left ear Ayu!

Chibi_Venus 28th June 2008 11:08 PM

I really have to admire and be proud of Ayu. She's gone through so much, and she still hangs in there. She makes me so happy. ^^

We love you, Ayu!

Thank you!

MemorialAddress 28th June 2008 11:10 PM

Aww.
That was very sad, but still so nice :weep

ayuayu798 28th June 2008 11:19 PM

such a beautiful message

Ayu_no_tenshi 28th June 2008 11:23 PM

I definitely cried!
AYU!!! we are here for you!!!!!
always and forever!

Lchang_87 28th June 2008 11:41 PM

drive your dream and go hard ayu!

apple-pi 29th June 2008 12:20 AM

I'll just thank you for posting this, because I seriously can't begin to think of words that describe how I feel about what she wrote ;_;
But, I can say I'm happy Ayu was able to get through all the crap that happened in 2007. Let's make this year a celebration!

sitara 29th June 2008 12:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jeremy911 (Post 1522742)
Does that mean some of her hearing has returned to that ear?

no, ayu herself said that the doctor said it's uncureable.
girlfriend has too much stress, but she won't take a much needed vacation TT__________TT

ImpactBreaker 29th June 2008 12:29 AM

Wow, huge message. O_O First of all, Thanks a lot Deli for the translation (and Happy Birthday!!)

That's really an insightful one. And people keep on saying ayu should take a break, when her work is actually what is giving her strength to not break down. I'm glad she has found a way to bear all those problems!

caio.taiko 29th June 2008 12:40 AM

"tsuyoku naritai to negatta no wa
itami ni nibuku naru tame jyanai"

(ANGEL'S SONG)

ll moments ll 29th June 2008 01:02 AM

awww, what a heartfelt message! Ayu's a very strong & inspiring person. :)

Bad Wolf 29th June 2008 01:36 AM

I'm such a sap, I teared up so many times while reading this latest message. My heart actually contracted a little when I saw so many responses to this TA Message - I was wondering if something scary (or scandalous!) had happened.

What can I say that hasn't already been said by you lovely people? Ayu is strong, but even the word strong doesn't seem to characterize her. She endures and that, I can say honestly here, is what I love about her as a person (from what very very little I guess about her as a person) and her as a musician. She inspires me, again and again, and reading messages like this, hearing how much she loves her fans and loves the, well, love that we all bring her gives me hope that she'll have the strength to pull through. And if she can, well, that gives me the courage to do so, too.

I KNEW there was something wrong at CDL. My heart was breaking, having to watch her be on stage and perform, all the while she was bursting into tears or her voice would fail her - it was painful and uncomfortable, as if I were watching something indecent. It's frustrating having to watch someone you admire be in that state and not be able to say or do anything for them... but just knowing that I support Ayu and that I'm so proud to be her fan and so happy that she's making music for us and working so hard for us all makes me feel like that support does some good. Clearly it does Ayu a lot of good.

We'll always support you, Ayu <3 And we'll sing twice as loud so you can hear us.

truehappiness 29th June 2008 03:20 AM

I think I feel sort of ashamed to be an Ayu fan since many fans seemed to dismiss her performance at CDL as a reflection of bad performing and a lack of practice and such. :[

Bad Wolf 29th June 2008 04:37 AM

Y'know, I thought with all the speculation going around at that time (GUILTY's final song, the dedication in the album, the rumor flying around that Ayu's best friend had passed away) that these people would be able to put two and two together to see "Huh, gee, she performed not up to her usual standard because she was going through something horrible in front of thousands of people." I guess I gave such people too much credit, or their intelligence anyway.


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