Ayumi Hamasaki Sekai

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-   -   TA Message 234 (http://www.ahsforum.com/forum/showthread.php?t=76088)

Coelacanth 28th June 2008 05:44 AM

TA Message 234

Translation by Delirium-Zer0 @ ayu-mi-x.com


I am...
No. 234 28 June 2008 (Sat) 2:20 AM

...a girl who keeps her promises! (`_')vBEEP!

Yep, I make such judgment because I have come to talk about Countdown Live, following through with the declaration in my last entry.

But that said, considering what I'm going to write, I'm not sure how or to what extent I should convey my thoughts. I'm having trouble with that.

So because I'm having issues there, I'm just gonna convey this to all you who I wish to see in Yoyogi, with the plain & clear feelings that I have, sticking to the honest feelings I have in my own heart.

I hesitated on this. And even now I'm hesitating.
However, I'm going to say what I feel.

After my birthday, in the fall of last year, I was busy working on the album.
During that time, I stayed in LA for quite awhile, so I could do my photoshoots & recording sessions.
News of Aneki's* death had come from my mother, only immediately reaching Bancho**, Ohji***, and my closest staff members, it seemed.
But everyone had discussed it, and they decided that telling me this would make it too hard for me to work, and they said I shouldn't know until I returned to Japan.

I didn't know what was going on, so in a very happy-go-lucky & easygoing way, I said, "Hmm, how come I'm not getting any e-mails?"

They revealed the truth, and I found it to be extremely bitter.

So I finished all my work and came back home that very day. When I got to my house, Mommy was there.
Since we're not living together (in case you were wondering), she didn't say "okaeri", but her eyes were filled to the brim with tears as she started to say, "Ayu, Aneki has gone to Heaven."

I rushed out of the house, on my own. I got into a taxi, and very purposefully I went to Aneki's house.
I hadn't been able to comprehend everything until I saw that the power was off.

Then, I saw Aneki's ashes.
I don't know how long, but I was silent, remaining crouched down.
It really took a considerable amount of time before I was able to cope with the reality of all of it.

Having these kinds of feelings, the end of the year was a blur for me.

With a feeling of nothingness, I went through a number of events, and I ended up building a bigger & bigger wall around me.

That was how Countdown Live was.
The show Aneki was looking forward to.

After the show on the 31st finished, my heart was ruled by huge anxiety, something I haven't felt since then until now.

That's... wow, how to explain it...
I can't aptly explain it with words, but...

Even when I thought to myself, "I have to be able to make it somehow!!!", I, who should have been determined to keep running, was extremely depressed anyway.

Naturally, with everyone who came to the venue and even with everyone who just watched on TV, I had the best & most amazing time on the 30th and 31st, and, this is an absolute fact, I was really happy.

However, I gave myself away, so I think many of you were probably able to understand.

No, absolutely, I think you all understood.

So during those two days, there was the issue with my left ear not working, and it scared me. At the same time, I thought to myself, I am a vocalist, but again, I'm also a human being, and I need to be able to lead this team. I thought I couldn't play both roles.

In a performance, singing the songs is the most important thing. As such, the most basic and most fundamental #1 thing wasn't really there.
If I said anything as I was right then, I had no persuasive power. Moreover, this thing with Aneki influenced me to the point where even my judgement had been considerably shaky.

One song, and then another... whenever I go to sing, my hearing condition continues to get worse, and my mood is nothing but impatient.

When I think like that, I can't sing. I can't be heard...

Without hitting on the problem, I was always getting angry and getting sad, feeling chagrin, but even in my head it was a jumble.

Anyway... even if you just watch the DVD, since there was alot of crying during the show, so you can probably understand.

One way or another New Year's Day arrived, thanks to the love of all the guests there, and the many wonderful staff & band members and dancers, but I was still always thinking.

Can I never sing again like I used to?
Would that concert become my last?

For a very very long time, I was thinking so many, SOOO MANY different things like this.

Thinking about it & thinking about it & thinking about it some more, I struggled to arrive at one solution.
And then, the answer came

Keep on singing.

Just that.
From the day I decided that, I made a vow never again to complain or make any excuses.

And, as one of my ambitions for this year, I have been coming here to write, telling everyone my feelings.

Do you remember when that was said?

So during this year's long tour, I've been able to do absolutely everything.
Every day, every single day was filled up, and I was busy both mentally and physically.
But absolutely, I wasn't defeated. I couldn't be defeated.
Because I made a promise to everyone.

Once again, like I have in the past -- no, like I will from now on -- I've become strong enough to really stand on that grand stage. I've been thinking that during rehearsals for many months now.

Since then I've realized how quickly time is passing. It's surprising to think that tomorrow is already Yoyogi.

Lots of things happened during the tour....
I didn't think of these circumstances as challenging, though.
Because, even with all that stuff happening,
I know that you all understand, everyone.

It might be reckless to say, but even when feeling desperate inside, the time spent with everyone during this tour was truly the best time. My memories of those days shine more & more, quickly & strongly, and I become a better person for it.

I feel the importance of my 10th anniversary acutely throughout my whole self.

I began the tour at Yoyogi.
I clearly remember every exchange between my heart & everyone else's since that day.
Everyone's smiling faces, tear-stained faces, perplexed faces, I love aaaallll of them.

Everyone's feelings are always transmitted to me.

I am very fortunate.

I thought, if I had to lose my left ear, it's alright that I'll keep trying with only my right ear.
But that's not quite right.

I haven't lost anything.

Because everyone has offered to become my left ear.

So my ears are stronger now.

That having been said, although I was smiling about this, and those were beautiful thoughts, this writer has become useless.
The screen is getting blurry, so that's no good.

But I'll hold these tears back until the last day.

The tour continues into the Fall, but for right now, the domestic part of the tour ends with the 2 days in Yoyogi........

I look forward to some serious fighting spirit!!!!!
Let's make it the best two days ever,

While saying that, I was secretly feeling very anxious.

Thank you for reading this until the very end.

Aneki, please always watch over me!!!!!
Credit: http://ayu-mi-x.com/modules.php?name...iewtopic&t=829

Milox 28th June 2008 05:51 AM

aw :(

luna7996 28th June 2008 05:58 AM

It's so sad.It almost made me cry.We will always be with you Ayu.

AyuGAME 28th June 2008 06:03 AM

thank you ayu...
thank you...
you really inspiring person...
thank you for keep on singing
thank you...

maybe its the longest message, that she ever write...(from what i know...)
my heart feel so sad while read it
but its really give me motivation to go on...

thank you ayu...

makie_7 28th June 2008 06:04 AM

thanks a lot for the news, wow Ayu is so strong! I wish her the best!

tethevo 28th June 2008 06:09 AM

Translation was crap but that's the jist of it.

These two last dates will be meaningful.

miskiq 28th June 2008 06:11 AM

she is such a courageous and strong woman
so sad when reading her msg :(

terra 28th June 2008 06:15 AM

Poor Ayu...but I know she'll rise again, because she is strong!!!

ayuzlove 28th June 2008 06:17 AM

thanks for the msg...her words brought tears to my eyes...

hiroshi_ben 28th June 2008 06:33 AM

i can feel that shes hiding a lot of things...but at the same time,shes strong enough that shes going one step by one step...and not thinking too much about whats going to happen next and only focus on wats goin to happen tml..ayu pls continue to stay strong!

tokyoxjapanxfan 28th June 2008 06:33 AM

thank you for that :) i really liked this message because it was very telling of ayu's life...she does do a whoooole lot :-\

evolusean 28th June 2008 06:34 AM


Good message.

I'm glad she was able to take the horrible past year and turn this year--her 10th anniversary year, no less--into something positive.

♥ you! 28th June 2008 06:35 AM

I remember hearing a rumour that her mom died...I guess this just proves it wrong.

Anyways I was a bit sad reading that msg but seeing how strong Ayu is made me feel sorta good. I'm happy for her :)

zoomzoom 28th June 2008 06:45 AM

Whoa, what a personal message this time.

se7entheaven 28th June 2008 06:51 AM

she's, like.. the greatest sinnger I've ever known U_U

I love ayu so much ^^ Keep Fighting ayu !!!

so no news about her new single
or maybe she wanna give us a surprise, maybe not,,,,

majrakun 28th June 2008 06:58 AM

That took me quite awhile to finish. Wow. I love that message. Ayu. If only you could see the support over here! Ganbatte, Ayu!

LacusClyne 28th June 2008 07:03 AM

no wonder her mood seem so down during CDL....i'm glad that ayu is stronger now, i was cryin when i read this, it's bad coming back and knowing you friend pass away when you aren't there.....

sibby 28th June 2008 07:18 AM



lfe. 28th June 2008 07:18 AM

That was really deep, sad and beautiful at the same time

Aga-chan 28th June 2008 07:20 AM

That was a very beautiful message.

Thanks for sharing.

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