The translation is good, but... I don't know, the grammar isn't correct. The "English" just isn't clear to me. And I know that's hard to do especially when translating. Sorry, I'm just having a hard time interpreting these lyrics.
I'd rewrite them privately and try to analyze it, but I'm afraid of messing up the translation, as one switch of words can totally change the meaning of a phrase, no?
Thanks, masa. You always do a fine job.