[gallowsCalibrator]

Is this the entry?

Spoiler:

Tomorrow, the curtain will be closed on the Japan leg of the tour.
I have received thoughts from everyone I've met all over the
country, those who can't come to the show tomorrow, everyone
who answered me with all their strength, and even
everyone who's going to the show tomorrow, and thanks
to those precious, precious feelings all over my
whole body, I feel I am able to sing.
Because absolutely we're having a wonderful time.
No matter what's happening in a given moment, the thought of it burns into our hearts.
Today, everyone's love was flooding the venue,
and I felt like I could cry from the very first song.
All throughout Japan, you all, who love me so much,
were gathering together.
I truly, truly thank you.
Tomorrow, with all our hearts, let's decorate the last show with so many different smiles & tears together, and make the show
the best.
I'm doing this show with all my might!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yep, I make such judgement because I have come to talk about Countdown Live, following through with the declaration in my last entry.
But that said, considering what I'm going to write, I'm not sure how or to what extent to convey my thoughts. I'm having
trouble with that.
So because I'm having issues there, I'm just gonna convey this to you all who I wish to see in Yoyogi, with the plain & clear
feelings I have, sticking to the honest feelings I have in my own heart.
Alright.
I hesitated on this. And even now I'm hesitating.
However, I'm going to say what I feel.
After my birthday, in the fall of last year, I was busy working on the album.
During that time, I stayed in LA for quite awhile, so I could only do my photoshoots & recording sessions.
News of Aneki's death had come from my mother, only immediately reaching Bancho, Ohji, and my closest staff members,
it seemed.
But everyone had discussed it, and they decided that telling me this would make it too hard for me to work, and they said I shouldn't know until I returned to Japan.
I didn't know what was going on, so in a very happy-go-lucky & easygoing way, I said,
"Hmm, how come I'm not getting any e-mails?"
They revealed the truth, and I found it to be extremely bitter.
So I finished all my work and came back home that very day. When I go to my house, Mommy was there.
Since we're not living together (in case you're wondering), she didn't say "okaeri", but her eyes were filled to the brim with tears as she started to say, "Ayu, Aneki has gone to Heaven."
I rushed out of the house, on my own. I got into a taxi, and very purposefully I went to Aneki's house.
I hadn't been able to comprehend everything until I saw that the power was off.
Then, I saw Aneki's ashes.
I don't know how long, but I was silent, remaining crouched down.
It really took a considerable amount of time before I was able to cope with the reality of all of it.
Having these kinds of feelings, the end of the year was a blur for me.
With a feeling of nothingness, I went through a number of events, and I ended up building a bigger & bigger wall around me.
That's how Countdown Live was.
The show Aneki was looking forward to.
After the show on the 31st finished, my heart was ruled by huge anxiety, something I haven't felt since then until now.
That's...wow, how to explain it...
I can't aptly apply it to words, but...
Even when I thought to myself "I have to be able to make it somehow!!!", I, who should have been determined to keep running,
was extremely depressed anyway.
Naturally, with everyone who came to the venue and even everyone who just watched on TV, I had the best & most amazing time on the 30th & 31st, and, this is an absolute fact, I was really happy.
However, I gave myself away, so I think many of you were probably able to understand.
No, absolutely, I think you all understood.
So, during those two days, there was the issue with my left ear not working, and it scared me. At the same time, I thought to
myself, I am a vocalist, but again, I'm also a human being, and I need to be able to lead the team. I thought I couldn't play both
roles.
In a performance, singing the songs is the most important thing. As such, the most basic and fundamental #1 thing wasn't there.
If I said anything as I was right then, I had no persuasive power. Moreover, this thing with Aneki influenced me to the point where even my judgement had been
considerably shaky.
One song, and then another...whenever I go to sing, my hearing condition continues to get worse, and my mood is nothing but impatient.
When I think like that, I can't sing. I can't be heard...
Without hitting on the problem, I was always getting angry and getting sad, feeling chagrin, but even in my head it was a jumble.
Anyway...even if you jsut watch the DVD, since there was a lot of crying during the show, so you can probably understand.
One way or another New Year arrived, thanks to the love of all the guests there, and the many wonderful staff & band
members and dancers, but I was always thinking.
Can I never sing like I used to?
Would that concert become my last?
For a very very long time, I was thinking so many, SOO MANY different things like this.
Thinking about it & thinking about it & thinking about it some more, I struggled to arrive at one solution.
And then, the answer came
Keep on singing.
Just like that.
From the day I decided that, I made a vow never again to complain or make any excuses.
And, as one of my ambitions for this year, I have been coming here to write,
to tell everyone my feelings.
Do you remember what was said?
So, during this year's long tour, I've been able to do absolutely everything.
Every day, every single day was filled up, and I was busy both mentally and physically.
But absolutely, I wasn't defeated. I couldn't be defeated.
Because I made a promise to everyone.
Once again, like I have in the past--
no, like I will from now on-- I've become strong enough to really stand on that grand stage.
I've been thinking like that during rehearsals for many months now.
Since then I've realized how quickly time is passing. It's surprising to think that tomorrow is already Yoyogi.
Lots of things happened during the tour...
I didn't think of these circumstances as challenging, though.
Because, even with all that stuff happening,
I know that you all understand, everyone.
It might be reckless to say, but even when feeling desperate inside,
the time spent with everyone during this tour was truly the
best time. My memories of these days shine more & more, quickly & strongly, and I become a better person for it.
I feel the importance of my 10th anniversary acutely through my whole self.
I began the tour at Yoyogi.
I clearly remember every exchange between my heart & everyone else's since that day.
Everyone's similing faces, tear-stained faces, perplexed faces, I love aaaallll of them.
Everyone's feelings are always transmitted to me.
I am very fortunate.
I thought, if I had to losemy left ear, it's alright that I keep on trying with my right ear.
But that's not quite right.
I haven't lost anything.
Because everyone has offered to become my left ear.
So my ears are stronger now.
That having been said, although I was smiling about this, and those were beautiful thoughts,
this writer has become useless.
The screen is getting blurry, so that's no good.
But I'll hold these tears back until the last day.
The tour continues into the Fall, but for right now, the domestic part of the tour ends with the two days in Yoyogi..........
I look forward to some serious fighting spirit!!!!!!!
Let's make it the best two days ever,
Yoyogi--------------------------!!!!!!
While saying that, I was secretly feeling very anxious.
Thank you for reading this until the very end.
Aneki, please always watch over me!!!!!

I found this article and thought it might be the one majrakun mentioned (^_^) It made me cry~~~~