Ayu's Diary Entry 22-9-09 (2nd entry)

[yuki_unmei]

I put this through a translator that made a bit more sense..hope someone can translate it better soon.

EDIT: better google translation by identity:

Since long
22-09-2009 06h43

... good or bad, I really was not my own, the weight of what I wore, namely the importance of what I wore, my own freedom coming only second, the consequences of this and my responsibility, I am aware of that, I have chosen, and walked straight ahead.
So I have 11 years of road behind me. I was young, I was ignorantly afraid of nothing, and today I realize that I am 31 years old. But it's obvious I know, I am not God, I'm not perfect, I'm ultimately a simple woman, and if as "Ayumi Hamasaki" I'm the one who all its treasures she wants to defend that which is right and strong, without fear, come what may, in private, I have often thought of wanting to be just a normal young woman.
But I realize I've become someone who can not even cry when she is sad.
Look strong, that I know how to do better than anyone.
But it makes me sad.
"The miracle will happen!" You sent me lots of messages and written, I suppose it's following words I wrote at the end of my previous message.
Thank you!
Thank you for understanding me, since I do not always find the right words to express myself. It is not my work, it does not concern the "TA". But it is true that, even if it's extremely private, I sometimes face a real wall. There are times when I do not know how to get out of the darkness.
Yes, it's about love.
But it's like all of you, like everyone else, is it not ...?
Hmmm, if I read it when I woke up in the morning, do I not regret it?
Anyway, we are here with you all the "TA", so it's good, right?
It's me, as I am really at this moment, not very pretty ... you accept me anyway?
Surely, if I sleep and when I woke up, I again want to laugh.
And I will continue to write my "Journal of Vegas"!
I met you ... I understand what it meant to love someone ...
But yes, I know better than anyone that happy ending does not suit me well
I am too negative lol
Go, sleep, sleep! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !



credit: AyuAngel

[TeddyGrahams]

She's in love <3<3
and happy ending lyric wow congrats ayu!!!
thanks!

[polka-dot-jewel]

Poor Ayu. She knows because of how popular and huge (in success) she is, that her life isn't so private and that there are so many overwhelming things in her life. I wonder if her secret surprise has anything to do with the old rumors that she's about to take a much-needed break (whether it be for a few months to a year or longer or w/e)...?

It's always nice to see that she really does read all of the TA messages that are sent to her, and that everyone's messages really do life her spirits. And it's nice to see that a lot of what she writes, posts (including all those pics of her DECO XD), and does is for the fans, who really do look up to her (as a person, a mentor, an idol, a friend, etc).

[spanishfan]

Originally Posted by TeddyGrahams

She's in love <3<3

No! sorry xD
I read the french version but french is not my native language (it's obviusly that english is not too lol) so I could not help with the all translation u.u
The main meaning is that she feels alone, she wanna someone to love and who loves her.
She wanna think that the love of her fans is all she need (S/S single), at least while a lover does not exist, but i'm sure deeply she is so sad...

Oh, man, i know how does she feel but I'm sure "someday her Prince will come"

At least I hope for new deep-meaning song.

But I'm dying for that secret

Thanks!!

[ayumisrael]

Awwww poor ayu...
I wish she could have at least some days a year when she can be a completely normal person. But in her hometown, in her own country she can't even think about it...

I really hope that we give her enough strength to wait for her love.

As we can see, ayu is enough down to earth and she knows well that money/diva lifestyle isn't a replacement for normal life, which she would like to have but it's impossible.

[Maxker]

Originally Posted by TeddyGrahams

She's in love <3<3
and happy ending lyric wow congrats ayu!!!
thanks!

Nope, remember this:

What the heck...
2009/07/04 6:40 AM | ayu
I uh...
I made a verrry verrryy big decision today.
I honestly don't know if it's the right decision or not.
But I've definitely chosen this.
I stressed and I stressed.... and I decided.
It's best to resolve to do something, and then get acceptance for it later.
So it's okay.
Definitely okay.

No, wrong! Wrong!!
2009/07/04 1:47 PM | ayu

I got alot of supportive
messages from everyone regarding
my posting this morning.
Mostly these three reactions↓

DID YOU FIND A SWEETIE?!
If I had this sort of happy news,
I'd have told everyone ages ago!

ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED?!
I am a girl so of course the desire for marriage is there.... there's
just the matter of a partner.

ARE YOU RETIRING?!
This would be a big decision too, wouldn't it~?
But that's not it!!!!! If I stopped singing, I wouldn't have anything.

So there you go, it's not anything like those.
If my entry was confusing, I apologize.

[ayuayu798]

Poor ayu! I hope she'll find someone. I'm sure she will though, I mean she's AYU!!

[yuki_unmei]

@spanishfan: thanks for clearing that up

[maneayu]

I bet she was disappointed by a guy who supposedly loved her but he was just behind the money and success... bah... was it Shuya? =O!! (nah, I don't think so! XP)

[love in music]

hmm, i think the google translation is more clear than this one

Since long
22-09-2009 06h43

... good or bad, I really was not my own, the weight of what I wore, namely the importance of what I wore, my own freedom coming only second, the consequences of this and my responsibility, I am aware of that, I have chosen, and walked straight ahead.
So I have 11 years of road behind me. I was young, I was ignorantly afraid of nothing, and today I realize that I am 31 years old. But it's obvious I know, I am not God, I'm not perfect, I'm ultimately a simple woman, and if as "Ayumi Hamasaki" I'm the one who all its treasures she wants to defend that which is right and strong, without fear, come what may, in private, I have often thought of wanting to be just a normal young woman.
But I realize I've become someone who can not even cry when she is sad.
Look strong, that I know how to do better than anyone.
But it makes me sad.
"The miracle will happen!" You sent me lots of messages and written, I suppose it's following words I wrote at the end of my previous message.
Thank you!
Thank you for understanding me, since I do not always find the right words to express myself. It is not my work, it does not concern the "TA". But it is true that, even if it's extremely private, I sometimes face a real wall. There are times when I do not know how to get out of the darkness.
Yes, it's about love.
But it's like all of you, like everyone else, is it not ...?
Hmmm, if I read it when I woke up in the morning, do I not regret it?
Anyway, we are here with you all the "TA", so it's good, right?
It's me, as I am really at this moment, not very pretty ... you accept me anyway?
Surely, if I sleep and when I woke up, I again want to laugh.
And I will continue to write my "Journal of Vegas"!
I met you ... I understand what it meant to love someone ...
But yes, I know better than anyone that happy ending does not suit me well
I am too negative lol
Go, sleep, sleep! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

[dreamland2.0]

It seems like she's in a confused state right now!! I hope everything goes well!

[yuki_unmei]

Thanks identity, that's much better!!

poor ayu

Edit: i'll replace my first post with that.

[Aderianu]

I don't understand >_<
I need to read this tomorrow

[JackieRos]

being almost 31 is not old



poor ayu shes confused i hope she gets better

[tasking]

^ It's old by Japan standards. A few Japanese friends I have consider Ayu old.

[Delirium-Zer0]

I'm in the process for doing the translations of ayu's blog for Gaijin Kanpai, and I just did this one actually, so I thought I'd post it. Her entries since this will be up at the site later.

How long,
22 September 2009 6:43 AM

...have I walked with a purpose, having prepared myself for what comes after achieving freedom, even if the reaction is terrible? No matter how large the burdens are that I shoulder, I am never by myself, for better or for worse.

I've continued my journey like that for the last 11 years.

So this young girl, no longer scared of things she's ignorant of, realized that soon, she'd be 31 years old.

But, even though that's natural, and I'm not a god, I'm not flawless, in the end I'm still human, and the "Hamasaki Ayumi" who wants to keep protecting those she treasures is strongly standing on her own two feet, and I've sometimes thought I wanted to just be a girl in my private life.

Even so, I didn't understand why I should cry when I was sad. In pretending to be strong, it didn't matter how well things were going for me. I was still sad.

Everyone was kind enough to send messages saying "A miracle will definitely happen!!" even in contrast to the lyrics I put in one of my earlier entries.

Thank you.
For understanding me even when words fail me, thank you always.

Even if it's not a work problem, even if it's nothing to do with TA, when I have a really ultra-personal problem and I hit a wall, I'm honest with you.

There are definitely times when I can't easily escape total darkness. Those times, I know there's love. In such dark places, we're all the same. That's true, I think...

I'm probably gonna regret this when I wake up early and read it.
Eh, I'll skip the grumbling.
But I have all my TA comrades, so that's good, right?
You're okay with this sort of difficult me being the real me right now, right?
I'm sure when I wake up, I'll be smiling again. Because I'll be really enthusiastic writing the next part of my Vegas diary.

I met you, and I thought I knew the meaning of love
just a little...
But I know more than anyone that
a happy ending doesn't suit me.

Well that.... was a bit negative sounding. lol

Gotta sleep! Gotta sleep!!!!!!!!!!

[zyoeru]

Man... I feel so sorry for Ayu...she used HAPPY ENDING lyrics there. :\

[Ayumiko]

I met you, and I thought I knew the meaning of love
just a little...
But I know more than anyone that
a happy ending doesn't suit me.

That's so sad...

[rakeru]

i wonder what's so serious?? or if she's just reflecting on the nature of her livelihood. either way, i hope she can find solice in herself, or maybe even our support.

[love in music]

Originally Posted by Delirium-Zer0

I'm in the process for doing the translations of ayu's blog for Gaijin Kanpai, and I just did this one actually, so I thought I'd post it. Her entries since this will be up at the site later.

thank you. i was hoping you'd translate it. you do the best translations. everything is much more clear.