[Translation] ViVi 2017-06 Interview (partial translation)

[tenshi no hane]

I was only gonna translate a few snippets and somehow ended up with 1000 words…

I translated two chunks of the interview which I liked most. In other words, this isn’t the entire interview.

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This issue celebrated the end of Ayu’s Deji Deji Diary with a long interview. The 1st diary started in September 2000. Ayu and ViVi take a look back.

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Q: Everyone was constantly looking forward to seeing a new "ayu". Short blond hair, teardrop sunglasses — You set many fashion and make-up trends.

Ayu: However, when I look back at these photographs now, I realise there were a few times when I only liked something for a second, or I didn’t even like something all that much. I guess that’s also interesting in itself (laughs).

Q: What? Really?

Ayu: I wasn’t lying or anything like that. At the time, the feeling "I absolutely need to keep changing [my look]" was simply stronger than whether I really liked an item or not, I think. This also meant that, whenever I did find something I could like forever, I’d change it eventually, because always looking the same wouldn’t be interesting. I wouldn’t be able to entertain through my appearance? That’s why I would suddenly darken my hair although I preferred bright hair, and I would alternate between a tanned look and white skin. Things like that.

Q: Were you trying too hard?

Ayu: I think it did feel good at the time. Wearing new clothes is fun. And people would tell me "You look great" and imitate me. Seeing everyone match my look made me happy. But, to be honest, I may have been trying a bit too hard at times, huh. I have to do something. I have to change. Before I knew it, it had become "Ayumi Hamasaki’s mission" to do outlandish things — At the time, I truly felt that was right and I threw myself into it. I’m sure I shined brightly.

However, I’ve turned into an adult since then. Nowadays I don’t think that "evolving" and "changing" equal each other. I do think I should always hold on to the need to keep evolving. As humans, all of us have to deal with various things decaying. I think it’s wrong to just give up and put yourself down. That said, I no longer feel the need to change constantly. I’ve undergone various changes and transformations. I now know what truly feels good to me, what’s truly important to me. I think I should let myself continue to evolve, while keeping in touch with the times, so I won’t become too self-satisfied.

[…]

Q: In contrast, are there times when you hate yourself, thinking "I won’t ever turn back into this low version of myself"?

Ayu: I don’t really like the me who blindly did everything what was expected of me. How should I put it… I think it’s rude towards myself, and also to Team Ayu to whom I always try to convey my thoughts. I still think that version of me wasn’t great at all.

Q: Do you also mean musically?

Ayu: Musically, too. There are times when I’m asked to write a heart-breaking ballad when I’m actually feeling really positive. If it’s for work, then I’ll do it, of course. But if such a situation carries on too long, it’s like constantly being told to smile even though you’re not happy. It eats at me to lie to myself like that. It’s not good. Right?

Q: Have you stopped doing such things?

Ayu: Yes. I don’t want to start hating myself. Supposing some of ViVi’s readers hate their current self or don’t know whether they like themselves, I hope they won’t just stop there. Try to find the you that you like. Because she definitely exists —

Don’t leave it to others. Find her inside of you first. What makes you feel good? Try to think of a day when you felt good. Try to think what made you feel that way. Was it because you were wearing a different colour than usual? Was it because you were in a different group than usual? Things like that. There’s no way that every day is exactly the same, so there must’ve been a reason. You simply haven’t noticed it because you weren’t looking for it. It’s a waste to end your life because you hate yourself or because you don’t know what you want to do in the future. You could wait for someone to come along and tell you "You’re wonderful when you do this" or "You’re definitely suited for this job", but there’s no guarantee such a person will appear. Even if you stay passive, no one will find your answer for you. That’s because the answer is something you have to find yourself.

Q: Did you also find it yourself like that?

Ayu: I did. The times change, my age changes, even my surroundings change rapidly. However, I think it’s enough to simply rediscover how to love myself in those times. There might be people who turn the present into a preparatory period, thinking "The good me lies in the future and once I find her, I’ll be stick with her my entire life".

But, life has no preparatory period, right? I especially want ViVi’s reader generation to live in the present. You could worry about the future, but what will you do if something unexpected happens?

Q: That’s very true. I think it also equals living without regrets?

Ayu: I definitely think so. I don’t know how my current circumstances will change. There’s probably not much I can do about it. Asking "What do I want to do?" is more important. I think it’s a waste to turn the present into a preparatory period for turning into who you want to become. You can just do that when that "someday" has actually arrived, can’t you? I think that’s enough, especially for ViVi’s reader generation.

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Also, Ayu mentioned it was her decision to stop Deji Deji Diary. She reached 200 volumes in her 19th year. She felt this was a nice time to quit. She wants to focus on her 20th anniversary next year.