[08/01/05]TA ayu's writing No.205 えっと。。。

[HiruNoKaze]

Here's my translation:
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Umm...
No.205 January 5th, 2008 (Saturday) 1:13am

The volume of messages from you all is amazing, I decided to post again.

"Mhmm" ... "Hey," ... "Yea..."

I have always, as much as I can, meant to keep honestly conveying my own feelings with my own words. I think you all definitely understand this.

Yes...right, I believe.
That's why...I write.
I write things I keep only in my heart, not even telling my beloved family members nor my staff.

Actually, no...strictly speaking, that's not true.
I only told Mama (I mean Mika John).
That my left ear cannot hear anymore.

I thought of going to the hospital because I felt distinctly that something strange happened to my ear.
I thought it was the earphone monitors and told the people around me I wanted to switch to new ones.

Honestly, when the doctor told me that there is no treatment and that it's too late, my mind went blank.
In my heart somewhere, I sincerely felt that if I just make the time necessary for surgery, my ear would be able to hear again.

But I was wrong.

I remember the doctor's eyes even now.
They looked regretful and apologetic.

So, I laughed.

I didn't know why, but I said "I thought so", and laughed.
Surrounded by my beloved staff inside the hospital room, everything returned to silence.

But, please, I don't want you to read this with pessimism.

I have accepted this reality.

And, I want you to understand somehow that I'm not despairing, but that the light of my hopes shines forth.

Because, you've told me that you will become my left ear.
You've told me that, so that I'll be able to hear more and more, you'll shout out for me.

Hey...

So, with my remaining right ear, I'm gonna do this.
I'm not at all straining myself.
To me, it's my happiness.

Worrying is useless!!!!!!!!!!!

From here on, I'm going to keeping running forward like this~~~~~!!!
But, let's keep running together~~~~~~!!!!!!

I want to show you my dreams.
Unending, unfading.
I want to show you that kind of dream.
That is my wish.

Thank you, everyone, everyone, everyone...
Thank you, Mama.
Thank you,

My beloved big sister.

Let's do it, 10th year anniversary!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


edit:
following line updated
They were regretful...as if to say I'm sorry there's nothing we can do...

edit2:
many thanks to masa for:
They looked regretful and apologetic.
I didn't know why, but I said "I thought so", and laughed.