NTV Special and Ayu's Left Ear

[hanabiwings]

When I watched this for the first time, some weeks ago (which I was able to do thanks to the members of this forum) I was startled to hear that Hamasaki Ayumi had suffered from problems with her left ear. Several years ago, when she was doing her first concert tour, the 2000 Dai-1-maku and Dai-2-maku, I read that she had suffered some kind of ear infection. Most people didn't pay it much mind when analyzing her vocal performance, and I must admit that I didn't either.

However, watching the NTV special and listening to Ayu describe a sound like "Pa pa pa" in her ear, and then talking about some strange noise in her ear, it became clear to me just what this was.

Hamasaki Ayumi suffers from tinnitus, which is a medical condition resulting from trauma to the ear drum. It is characterized as a buzzing, ringing, or drumming noise in the ear, which can usually be heard when in quiet situations. Moreover, it often is a result of trauma that has caused irreversible damage to the inner ear. Said plainly: Ayu's exposure to high decibel music and sounds during her professional career caused her to have damage to her inner ear. This continued on and the ringing got loud enough for her to hear. Because she wasn't afforded a break from such noise, she had to use an earplug.

The earplug is in plain sight during the dai-2-maku of her first concert venue. I saw it several times and thought it curious that she would be using such an earplug. There were no ear monitors being used, but this plug instead. I should have realized it, because I, too, suffer from tinnitus.

The effects of tinnitus can be far-reaching. Surely, many of Ayu's problems staying on-key during some of her live performances stem from the fact that she is partially deaf in one ear. It is very difficult to have an accurate internal voice (the voice one hears when one is talking) and thus, it is difficult to stay on key. It is literally difficult to hear the notes correctly. Her balance, too, may have been affected because the damage to the inner ear may affect equilibrium (although this may be in dispute.) This would explain her loss of balance during the Dome Tour rehearsals.

Living with tinnitus is a very scary, very difficult thing. I empathize with her greatly. To hear such a ringing in one's ears and to have no relief has driven some sufferers mad and caused suicides in the past. Others despair over the erosion of their hearing over time. To me, I could see this pain in Hamasaki Ayumi's eyes during the rehearsals for the Dome Tour. When she was singing "A Song for XX" during the rehearsal, I could see that concern. That fear that "something in my body is not right." And then when she sat down on the steps during rehearsal, I saw the panic that "I may lose my hearing." That is a very scary thing no matter how you say it. The impact on her mental well-being is great, to be sure. Stress of that kind is something for which no one can be well-prepared.

I have really evaluated the vocal inconsistencies I have witnessed and also, my opinion of her management and Avex Trax in general. They still kept pushing her even though they knew her hearing may have been lost. More than this in itself, they asked her questions like, "Can't you just use an earplug?" and so on. Then, they were dismayed when the NTV crew was taping all of their rushing around after she had sat down on the stage. They didn't want to look bad on camera, but they wanted to push Ayu to the breaking point... I cannot reconcile such things with morals. Avex's actions in this aspect of her career are atrocious.

In closing, I just hope that I have been able to communicate in some small way the reality she likely faces today. Tinnitus can get better with time. But likely, some of the damage is irreversible. I hope that people who say flippantly, "Ayu sucks live" will plug one of their ears and walk around, seeing how life would be without the use of that ear. Maybe then, they would see the challenges she has faced.