[Translation] Hamasaki Republic (partial translation)

[tenshi no hane]

I got the translation itch and I don’t think Hamasaki Republic has ever been translated? I translated a few questions which stood out to me (i.e. this isn’t the whole thing).

Hamasaki Republic is a Ayumi Hamasaki magazine released in 2002 (Free & Easy era) with Jeanne d’Arc as theme.

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Q: Have you ever thought about suicide?
Ayu: No.

Q: Are you someone who could die for love?
Ayu: I’m not. This isn’t about love, but… Although I’ve never thought “I want to die”, I did think “Am I going to die?” once. I was a key-child* when I was young. There’d be no one in the house and I would have the key in a necklace around my neck. One day, when I came home and tried to open the door, I realized the key was gone. But it was getting dark, so I decided to break a window to get inside. I wondered what I should use. I wanted to break the glass with a chair in the garden, but I was too small and couldn’t lift the big chair. I got scared of staying outside and decided to just punch the glass with my hand. I punched it and the window broke. But a piece of glass slashed my wrist and the blood just kept coming. Alone in the house, applying pressure to try and stop the bleeding, I was afraid I was going to die. That experience was really frightening. I still have a scar. That’s why I don’t think I’d be able to cut my wrists.

T/N: *A child who carries the house key to let themselves in because their parents aren’t home (working, etc.) Remember, Ayu’s father left when she was very little, leaving her mother to raise Ayu on her own.

~

Q: Your way of living, is it revenge on something?
Ayu: Maybe in the past it was? Yeah. Not anymore.

Q: What were you taking revenge on?
Ayu: My mother.

Q: Why did your revenge stop?
Ayu: I don’t know why it stopped. I no longer do such things.

Q: Did you become able to understand your mother’s feelings?
Ayu: I think there was always a part of me that wanted to get back at my mother who was never mother-like. But one day I suddenly realised “She’s a woman”. She’s someone who should always be a woman, not a mother. That made me feel lighter. […] In the past, I would rush out of the house if my mother and her boyfriend were home. That feeling has completely disappeared nowadays. Actually, I’ve started asking things like “What’s he doing today?” and “Are you alone today?” She’s really cute when I do that. I think it’s really cute when she’s like “You know, yesterday, listen listen” the day after she’s seen him.

Q: But would you say things like that to your child, if you ever have one?
Ayu: I doubt it (laughs).

~

Q: What is money to you?
Ayu: Often, adults talk as if having no money is a problem and having money is no problem. I think that’s a lie. Not having a penny is a problem of course, but I’m not scared of going back to that. I think having too much money is scarier. Much scarier. I feel like everything will stop making sense.

Q: You’ll become able to buy anything you want. What’s wrong with that?
Ayu: You’ll become numb, won’t you? Because you’ll be able to obtain everything that can be bought with money. It’s really scary if that becomes normal to you.

~

Q: What do the songs you’ve made mean to you?
Ayu: It’s a love-hate relationship.


Q: Song and money are in no way connected in your mind, are they?
Ayu: Songs and money? They’re not.

~

Q: Do you have any female friends with who you can share your true feelings?
Ayu: I do.

Q: What condition do they need to fulfil?
Ayu: They need to be able to say “no” to me.

~

Q: What if someone you love wants you to quit your work?
Ayu: I’ll quit that person (laughs).

Q: Do you think there will ever be someone for who you won’t mind giving up your work, if it makes them happy?
Ayu: No, you can’t compare loving people and creating things.

~

Q: What does marriage mean to you?
Ayu: I think that the family you create through your marriage and the family in which you were born hold different meanings. My current family — it consists of only me and my mother, though — isn’t a family which I created intentionally, right? Because I was born into an existing family. But marriage is a family which I make myself. Sometimes I think about how, if my mother dies, there will no longer be anyone in this world who is related to me by blood.

~

Q: What do you hate about yourself?
Ayu: There are many things I hate.

Q: But you love yourself, right?
Ayu: I’ve never thought that way, like, I hate this part of me and I like this part. In any case, I know my feelings can really go up and down…

Q: Do you like that part of you?
Ayu: There are days when I do and days when I don’t. There are days when the rise-and-fall is comfortable and days when it feels bad.

~

Q: What do you want to obtain? Something which you haven’t obtained even in your current position. Do you want to obtain eternity?
Ayu: (laughs) I want something which never ever changes.

~

Q: What do you never want to lose, even if in your position?
Ayu: Love, I guess? It’s in everything.

Q: You mean an universal love, right? For example, also love towards animals.
Ayu: Yes.

~

Q: Are you lonely?
Ayu: Yes.

Q: Is it a crumbling loneliness?
Ayu: No, it’s not crumbling, but I do feel loneliness.

Q: Your lover doesn’t make it go away?
Ayu: There are times when it doesn’t go away no matter who I’m with, even my lover or precious friends. I don’t try to force it away at times like that.

~

Q: This is a Jeanne d’Arc themed question. Do you have anything from the past which you’d want to confess?
Ayu: Not going to my grandmother’s funeral.

Q: Why didn’t you go? You couldn’t?
Ayu: Her funeral was on the day of the recording of my debut single.

Q: You couldn’t go, huh. It’d be hard to go.
Ayu: But Masa* told me to go. He said “Go right now”.

Q: To go after finishing the recording, you mean?
Ayu: No. I had kept quiet about it. I kept it quiet and went to the recording. I think he must’ve heard it from someone else. He said, “What are you doing!? Go, quickly.” But I didn’t go.

T/N: *Max Matsuura. Her producer and CEO of avex group. He scouted her.

~

Q: Do you have a lot of savings?
Ayu: I really have no interest in such things.

Q: Who manages your savings?
Ayu: My mother.

Q: So you’ve never thought about creating an independent office in order to make more money?
Ayu: I haven’t.

Q: You may go independent for more freedom, but you’re not the type of person to do it for money, right?
Ayu: True. I often say that I hate my company (avex). And that I hate my office’s president. He once told me, “Don’t go around saying you hate me all the time” (laughs). But if I really hated them, I wouldn’t say it aloud. It’s a “damn it, I love you so much it’s frustrating” kind of hatred. So, I might say this and that about my company and president, but I do love them. […] My managers — I have three — are really cool. You could say they’re “artist idiots”. I’m sorry, but they’re really, really cool. How they live. The chief is a woman and the other two are men. I spend more time with those two in a day than with my friends or my lover. I can’t imagine a day without them. They support me in everything, mentally too. And the chief manager, if I had to describe what she is to me… If there’d ever be a time when I quit this work for something other than personal circumstances, it’d be because I wasn’t able to work with her anymore. That’s how important she is to me. […] I’m really proud of my staff. Even those who’ve had to quit for various reasons are my treasure. I’ll start crying if I say any more, so I’ll stop now (laughs).